No, it’s not a new brand of paper towel especially made to absorb blood (ba dum) – it’s an actual vampire bounty:

The villages around the Indian town of Dharmapuri are in the midst of an unusual problem. Unsubstantiated reports of vampires draining cattle have frightened entire communities such that residents are staying off the streets after sunset.

To quell the spread of this unmitigated bullpucky, local politicians have placed a price on these nonexistent vampires’ heads. Evidence of a re-dead vampire (or a Ratha Kaatteri) nets an amateur Van Helsing 1 lakh of rupees, or a smidge under $2000.

Unmitigated bullpucky!

(We’ve done our best to try and decipher what that writer meant by “Ratha Kaatteri” – with no luck. Closest we came was this.)

Bonus: We can’t belivee somebody already made a similar Bounty paper towels joke! (Zombieland!)

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This is hilarious. The guitarist for the band Torche says:

“Ok so… A bat peed in my eye,” guitarist Andrew Elstner wrote on his Facebook page March 29. “Whether or not you think I’m telling the truth is irrelevant at this point. What I’m worried about now is rabies…

“I switch on the overhead light/ceiling fan combo and what I think at first is a shadow being cast from the spinning fan blades turns out to be a freaking bat,” the musician explained. “It circles the room a few times at light speed, and on one of the turns, dive bombs my head and squirts a little nervous pee into my eye. Holy [expletive]. I’m laughing but run to the sink and attempt to flush my eye out. I’m pretty sure I’m fine but…Not the most common of occurrences.”

More about it here.

And this would be a good time to remind people that rabies shots aren’t the terrifying things they used to be:

DON’T WORRY; it’s not twenty shots in the stomach anymore. Today, the rabies vaccine has only 5-7 shots in the arm and the butt. The shots are spread out on different days, and they help your body fight the rabies virus, so you don’t catch the disease. If you get the shots started in time (usually within 7 – 10 days), you shouldn’t catch the virus at all. Your body fights it off. Without the treatment, a person bitten by a rabid animal will probably die.

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The timing in this short silent video could not have been done better by Hitchcock. It’s dark, a lonely road, a cop pulls someone over…the cop’s double take, then the quick little step he takes…okay, just watch:

We have no idea where this takes place. The video was first put on YouTube in 2010, we think. (The title over there says the dogs are wolves. They don’t really look like wolves, do they?)

Ow:

Simple sneeze almost left Monique paralysed

A SNEEZE was so strong it caused a Victorian mother to dislocate two vertebrae in her neck.

Monique Jeffrey may be Australia’s unluckiest woman, but she still manages to muster a smile.

“It was such a big shock when you have such a busy life,” she told the Herald Sun…

The 28-year-old said the injury happened less than two weeks ago while she was in bed reading emails on her phone and she let out an “ah choo”.

“I just knew something was wrong. I felt something move and I was in excruciating pain,” Mrs Jeffrey said.

Stories like this generate funny headlines. Like this one:

My Sneeze Terror

And this one:

Vrouw ontwricht wervels bij niesbui‎

Wow. Sounds painful!

Well, we’ve all been there – haven’t we?

Reuters reports that an unemployed Austrian man was so dead-set against returning to work he lopped off his left foot.

The unidentified 56-year-old was set to meet with a labor board to evaluate his fitness to return to the Austrian workforce on Monday when the mutilation occurred. The victim (assailant?) reportedly set his left leg atop an electric saw in his home workshop and went to town, completely severing the foot just above the ankle.

But wait! There’s more!

Not content to leave well enough alone, the man then hobbled/bled to his kitchen and threw his foot in the oven before calling for an ambulance. Doctors were unable to reattach the foot.

Filet of sole, anyone?

But wait! There’s still more!

This is the headline of the story about the wife’s reaction to her husband’s foot-lopping ways:

Saw man’s wife hopping mad

Now that’s funny.

And it’s hard to believe it could be true, but this site has photos of what appear to be the saw – blood and all – and the oven, complete with ashtray on top. Cuz, you , know, you’d probably want a smoke after smoking your own foot.

* Photo of what almost looks like a severed foot found here.

The Boings bring this:

Need ten hours of Darth Vader’s mechano-asthmatic wheeze? Look no further, for Murdock129′s YouTube video has the soundtrack for your days.

We raise them this:

Your call, Boing Boing.

UPDATE: Holy cow – listen to them both at the same time. But not if you’re operating heavy machinery…