This is not a Joke!
October 6, 2011
We have advanced copies of the newest annual edition of the Uncle John’s series: Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader. We are giving away one copy + one snazzy Uncle John’s t-shirt to a lucky winner. All you have to do is make us laugh. Post a joke in the comments below before Sunday, October 9, 11:59pm PST. We will pick the funniest joke and ta-dah! we have a winner.
Bask in the golden glow of Uncle John’s 24th all-new edition and you’ll be handsomely rewarded with 544 pages of the richest bathroom reading ever! As always, you’ll find short, medium, and long articles covering a bountiful host of topics—including weird news, pop culture, history, science, and wordplay. So stock up on…
- Judges Gone Wild
- The Barbie Scandals
- Canada’s Underpants King
- Helen Keller: Vaudeville Star
- The Double A-bomb Survivors
- The History of the Umbrella
- America’s Forbidden Island
- What the Hokey Pokey is Really All About
…and much, much more!
Share and Enjoy
I am not a jokester, however I would love a book and tshirt. Please please on my knees please.
In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.
There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsel fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.
It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.
During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.
The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.
And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.
A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.
The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.
In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.
Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank – hungry, tired, and exhausted.
“I need food,” whimpered Bob.
“We could always eat the fish,” suggested Sidney.
“Don’t be stupid,” said Geoff.
“Lets all stay calm,” said Bernard.
“I’ve been thinking,” said Jim, thoughtfully.
“Haven’t we all,” responded Geoff, “there’s nothing else to do round here but think. I’m all thunk out.”
“No, Look,” continued Jim. “Here we all are famished, and there’s a snack machine just over there.”
“Oh, security guards vandalising the snack machine, that’ll go down a treat,” said Bob, sarcastically.
Jim sighed. “No one need ever know.”
“And what about the camera pointing straight at it?” asked Bernard.
“Aha, but there’s no camera pointing at the back of it!” announced Jim.
Sidney looked on in despair. “Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!”
“And what would we do with the wrappers?” Said Bob nervously. “There’s talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!”
Jim smiled a long cunning smile. “As I said, I’ve been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them.”
Geoff was only half convinced. “There’s still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked.”
“I’ve thought of that, watch this…” Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.
As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.
The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.
The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.
The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.
The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.
“Don’t sit on that ancient thing” snapped Geoff.
“What?” asked Bernard.
“He’s right” said Jim. “That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway.”
So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.
Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.
They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.
They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.
“And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank.”
David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.
Mr. Attenborough wasn’t so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable witha human presence then night opening could follow later.
The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.
And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.
The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.
Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don’t nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.
David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn’t going to pull the crowds in.
The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn’t have them all locked up on criminal charges.
The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he’d got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before oen of them spoke.
“How? just How? how… How could you?” he finally exploded.
“We’re all very sorry. Really, we are.” Jim hesitantly replied.
“Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you’re sorry!”
“Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are.”
“We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!”
“We’re sorry about that.”
“So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs…”
“We’re sorry about that as well.”
“…And, without a care, you steal from this company…”
“And we’re very sorry about that.”
“And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium…”
“Ah, yes, we’re sorry about that, too.”
“…And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!”
“Actually sir, that isn’t quite true…”
“What?”
“We didn’t do it on porpoise.”
Not mine, but it’s the funniest one I know, and was written by Christian Cook a few years ago. (http://www.christiancook.co.uk/worlds_worst_joke_01.html)
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Does flattering you for free book make me a “gold”digger?
This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.
“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.
“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.
“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,
“Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”
An old woman went on a cruise. As she stood on deck a big gust of wind came up. She grabbed her hat on it wouldn’t blow away. A man watching her went up and said “Ma’am the wind is blowing your skirt up.” The old woman said “Yes I know that.” The man says “Well , you’re not wearing any underwear.” The old woman says “Son this is a new hat. Everything down there is 80 years old!”
And that is the cleanest joke I know.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says “Did you know you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?” and the pirate says “Yarrr, it’s driving me nuts.”
A blind man goes skydiving. How does he know when he’s close to the ground?
The leash goes limp.
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH–I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH–OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
My favorite joke of all time:
What has four legs and an arm?
A quite content doberman.
One day God called the Pope and says,”John Paul i have some good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between religions and have decided that there will be only one true religion.” The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was then asked,”What’s the bad news?” God sighs and says,”Well….I’m calling from Salt Lake City…”
A group of nuns is heading up the mountain for a retreat. Unfortunatley, the bus careens off a mountain bridge and the nuns all die. They find themselves outside heaven’s gate. St. Peter stands at the front of the line and says, “We will let you all into heaven, just line up. One at a time confess your sins to me.”
Cautiously, the first nun says, “Peter, I once touched a man with my finger!” Peter says, “My dear, place your finger in the holy fountain and your sins will be forgiven.” She does so and the gates open and she is ushered in.
The next nun says, “St. Peter, I once touched a man with my foot and hand!” Peter again directs her to rinse her hand and foot in the fountain, which she does, and is then ushered into heaven.
Suddenly at the back of the line there is a major commotion as one of the nuns begins pushing the others out of the way to get to the front of the line. Peter says, “Patience, sister! All will have a turn.” The nun making the commotion says, “I know, I just want to gargle in the fountain before sister Mary puts her ass in it!”
There was a little moron and a big moron on the edge of the Sears Tower. A big gust of wind came and blew them very hard. One fell the other didn’t …? WHY? The little Moron… because he was a LITTLE MORE ON!!!!!!
My dad taught me that when I was 5 years old. God rest his soul. Always loved that one.
Best of luck every one.
TIM
Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
Guy walks into a bar, asks for a Mexican mudslide.
Everybody died.
A dog hobbles in to an old saloon with a bandage around one foot and hops on to a stool beside the bar.. the bartender asks what can i do for you? and the dog says I’m looking for the fella that shot my Paw!!!
Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
From a child in my son’s class while we were looking at a spiderman book- “Peter Piper got bit by a spider!”
Why to seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels.
a leper walks into a restaraunt and gets his food and sits down. After a few minutes the guy sitting beside him almost vomits. The leper apologizes and says he is sorry then the guy says no problem sir. A few more minutes pass and the guy looks at the leper and almost vomits again so the leper gets up and says hes sorry and starts to leave then the guy says no finish eating its all right so the leper sits back down. A few minutes pass then the guy looks at the leper and vomits everywhere. The leper says im sorry i get this reaction everywhere i go then the guy says its not you its the guy behind you dipping his chicken strips in your back.
Three guys are stranded on an island. A genie appears and gives each man one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. The second wishes the same. The last man says “I’m lonely! I wish for my friends back!”
Three men find themselves at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Saint Peter tells them they must provide the details of their deaths before he can let them in. The first guy stepped right up to Peter.
Guy 1: “I lived on the 26th floor of an apartment building in New York City, and I’ve had quite the run of bad luck lately. A few weeks ago my wife left me. Last week my dog died. And today, my boss informed me that I’d lost my job and I had to leave right away. By the time I got home I’d decided that I had nothing left to live for, and that it would be best for everyone if I just ended it all. I climbed up on my balcony and began to leap off. In mid-jump I had a slight change of heart, deciding that maybe I shouldn’t go through with this plan after all. Luckily, I was able to grab onto the balcony of the floor below. As I dangled high above the street, trying to figure out how to get my feet back on solid ground, a man with a look of rage on his face came storming out of the apartment. He pried at my fingers, trying to make me fall! When I didn’t lose my grip he went inside and came back out with a hammer. He swung at my fingers until it hurt so badly that I couldn’t hold on anymore, so I fell. After a few moments I realized that I had landed in some soft bushes and I wasn’t dead! But then the maniac above pushed his REFRIGERATOR over the balcony and it came crashing down on me, and that’s why I’m here now.”
Saint Peter commented that this guy’s story was pretty incredible, but he told him he could go ahead into heaven. The second man stepped up.
Guy 2: “You think that’s a crazy story? Listen to this. I lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building in New York City. I’ve been suspecting for quite some time that my wife has been having an affair, so today I decided to come home early and catch her lover so I could take care of him myself. I got home and began searching our apartment. My wife looked nervous, so I just knew he was there somewhere. I searched in all the closets and under beds and everywhere else I could think of — Nothing. Finally, I went out onto the balcony, and sure enough, there he was hanging by his finger tips from the railing. I was furious, so I tried to pry his fingers off the ledge, but he wouldn’t budge. I went inside and found my hammer, then I came back out and beat his hands until he couldn’t hold on anymore. I watched him fall into bushes below, and to my complete frustration, he was still alive! I unplugged my REFRIGERATOR and slid it out onto the balcony and pushed it over the edge so it would fall on him and crush him. In the process, though, I guess I worked myself up too much, because I had a heart attack and died, and that’s why I’m here now.”
Saint Peter could hardly believe his ears, but he allowed the man to go through the gates. The third guy leaned in.
Guy 3: “Picture this: I’m hiding naked inside this refrigerator…”
I put the “fun” in funeral
Two guys are sitting in a hospital waiting room, one guy turns to the other and asks “What are you here for?”
“I am getting t
What did the clean toilet paper say to the used toilet paper?
“You’re butt ugly!”
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Two guys are sitting in a hospital waiting room, the first guy turns to the second guy and asks “What are you here for?”
“I broke a bone in my wrist and am getting it set”
The first guy replies; “Oh I have had that done before, you will be better in 24 hours.”
The second guy asks the first guy; “So why are you here?”
“I was never circumcised, so I am getting it done today.”
The second guy replies, “Oh I have had that done and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
a baby seal walks into a club
What do you call a nun on a waterbed? A cherry float!
A ninety year old man is laying on his bed . . . dying.
As he lays there gasping and waiting for his death to come, he smells something. He recognizes the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. The man decides that before he dies he has to have just one more chocolate chip cookie.
With what strength he has left, he crawls out of bed, crawls along the hallway, stopping to rest and gain his strength frequently. He reaches the top of the stairs and slides down them, crumpling at the bottom.
After resting for some time and being driven by the smell of the baking chocolate chip cookies, he pulls himself along the floor and into the kitchen. There he summons all of the possible strength he could muster and pulls himself into a kitchen chair. There on the table is a plate of warm, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
The man reaches to the plate and picks up one of the cookies. Just as he does, his wife turns and . . . WHAAP! . . . slams his hand with a spatula.
With what little breath the man has left, he looks at his wife and asks “What did you do that for?”
“Those are for the funeral”, she says.
A viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife were sitting on their back porch.
“It’s going to rain.” Rudolph told his wife.
“No, it’s not.” His wife replied.
“Yes, it will definitely rain today.” Rudolph stated.
“The sun is shining, and there’s not a cloud in the sky. What makes you so sure it’ll rain?” Rudolph’s wife asked.
“Because,” Rudolph replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he’s sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, “I’ll have another Waterloo.”
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man’s drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, “I’ll have a Waterloo, too.”
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the customer takes a big drink.
“Hey,” he says, “this isn’t any good. It tastes just like water!”
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, “Well, it is water. Right, Lou?”
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens & 2 girl kittens. “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied, “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully.
He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor.
When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent.
The guy is outraged.
He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
very fitting this time of year!
A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.
When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it a male or female?”
“Male,” she replies.
“Oh yeah, we can do it. I’ll be right there,” he states.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla’s testicles off. He has been specially trained for this purpose only. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him.”
The woman asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”
The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua”
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really mad.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife’s annoyance.
“You’ll fart your guts out one of these days,” she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy’s arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
“You was right all along Missus,” the old man says, “I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push ‘em back in!”
a black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks and says Hey, that’s pretty neat, where did you get him? And the parrot says, “In Africa, they got millions of ‘em! (for the record, I am a black male, and i’ve been telling that joke for years)
Did you hear the local hooters is closing down… They say its due to the sagging economy!
George loooved eating baked beans and ate them nearly every day… problem was, he would get terrible smelling gas every time he’d eat them. Well, George was getting married in a few days and decided he would stop eating beans to save himself the embarrassment of a stinky situation.
After a few months of marriage, George was on his way home from work when his car broke down. Only a mile or so away from his home, he decided to just walk. On his way home, he smells the unmistakable scent of his old favorite food.. baked beans! Starving, he thought.. “If I eat them now, by the time I get home, I would’ve passed all the gas and be fine”. So George indulges, heavily! And sure enough, George is tooting all the way home.
He gets home, walks in the door, and immediately his wife blind folds him. “What is this all about?” he asks. “It’s a surprise” his wife replies as she leads him into the living room. Suddenly the phone rings. “I’ll get it”, his wife says. “Don’t you dare peek!!”. So she goes to answer the phone.. it’s her best friend, Karen, she’ll be a while. Still a bit gassy, George needs relief. So he lets them rip, fanning the smelly air around him to break up the cloud of stench! He hears his wife hang up the phone and composes himself. She comes back into the living room, takes off his blind fold… and there, in the room was 25 of George’s closest family and friends for George’s surprise birthday party!!!!
This morning I found a snake on top of the hood of my car, near the front window. I wasn’t sure what kind it was, so I looked it up on the internet. Turns out it was a windshield viper.
A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him. His Condition is described as stable
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel prize? He won for outstanding in his field.
A baby boy can speak as soon as hes born. So his father says “son this is a miracle, what can i get for you?” The son replies “i want a pink fuzzy ball”. So the dad looks everywhere but cant find one and returns with a pacifier instead,the boy says “thanks dad but i wanted a pink fuzzy ball”. Years go by then on his 5th birthday the dad asks his son what he wants.The boy replies “The same thing i have asked for every year,i want a pink fuzzy ball”. The dad goes and searches everywhere and just like always he could not find one and returns with a tricycle. The son sees this and replies “thank you dad but i really wanted a pink fuzzy ball”. Years go by and the boy turns ten, the dad asked him what he wanted and the boy says “a pink fuzzy ball…its all i ever wanted”. So the dad looks everywhere and does not find one and brings home a X-Box 360.The boy sees this and says “thank you dad but i wanted a pink fuzzy ball” Years go by and the boy graduates his father asked what he wanted and the boy replies “a pink fuzzy ball dad..you know this..its all i ever wanted my entire life”. The dad looks everywhere but cant find one so he brings him a brand new Harley. The son sees this and says “THIS SUCKS….I WANTED A PINK FUZZY BALL!!!!!!!!!”. Then he jumps on his motorcycle and sped off crying. A few miles later he crashes and ends up going to the hospital. The doctor tells the dad he may die so crying the dad runs out and looks and looks and looks and FINALLY finds a pink fuzzy ball,he rushes to his sons side and his son sees the pink fuzzy ball and grabs it crying tears of joy. The dad looks at his son and says “Son now that you have one please tell me why you needed this so bad” the son looks at the dad and says “Father i wanted this because…….” then he died
What is the most common bra size in a nursing home?
a 32 long!!!
Your 24k reader would be the much anticipated companion to the Faberge eggs I consistently find in my bathroom bowl.now I can really call it the throne.
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign advertising a special: “2 Drinks for 2 Dollars”. He sits down and orders a few from the bartender and says “Wow, that’s an amazing deal”. The bartender says “You think that’s good? I also have a t-bone steak meal for 99 cents.” “Wow!”, the man says. “How do you stay in business?”
“Oh, it’s not my business.” says the bartender. “The owner is upstairs with my wife.” The man says “What’s he doing with your wife?” The bartender replies “The same thing I’m doing to his business!”
So there once was this bee that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary bee though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit bee community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do.
So the bee enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart bee. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the bee gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the bee faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government.
So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the bee decides he might as well go for it. Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history.
His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the bee’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done.
Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the bee looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother.
So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered.
Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it.
He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
Ah, sorry, I didn’t mean to reply to you!
A duck walks into a bar and says “Bartender, you have any grapes?” Bartender says “No, you stupid duck, this is a bar. Now get out of here.” Duck comes back to the bar the next day and says “Bartender, do you have any grapes?” Bartender says “Listen, you stupid duck, I told you we don’t have any grapes. Now, if you come back again I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor!” Duck leaves. Duck comes back the next day and says “Bartender, you have any nails?” “No.” “You got any grapes?”
The Bell ringer
Near a small village there was a monastery run by some friars. The town was very proud of their monastery, especially the beautiful bell that rang every Sunday.
It so happened that one day the old bell ringer passed away. So the friars were in need of a new bell ringer.
The call went out to the town and many people came forward to ring the beautiful bell.
As the friars were deciding who to pick for the job, a stranger came to the monastery and wanted to apply for the job. The friars, though they didn’t know him, let him have his chance.
The stranger stepped as far back from the bell as he could. Then he ran at the bell and smashed into it with his face.
The friars were quite taken aback at this strange behavior and didn’t know what to think. But, they noticed the beautiful bell had never sounded so good. The stranger appeared uninjured. So everyone agreed, he should have the job.
So every Sunday this went on, the stranger smashing into the bell and the beautiful bell sounding better than ever. It sounded so good that it starting attracting more and more townsfolk to Sunday services.
A high holiday was coming up. The head friar approached the stranger and asked if he could ring the bell a little special for the occasion.
The stranger agreed.
That Sunday, the stranger gets to work. Time and again he runs and smashed his face into the bell. People, from all around, started coming to service. In the tower the stranger continued his work. The bell started swinging more and more. On his last run to the bell, the stranger being understandably dizzy, missed the bell, ran through an open window. Plummeted to ground, far below and died.
People who witness the horrible accident gathered around the poor body of the stranger.
When the head friar finally reached the body someone said, “This is terrible. He did such a wonderful job. Do you know his name?”
The head friar replied, “I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”
So, once again the friars were in need of a bell ringer and once again many came from miles around to apply for the job.
As the friars were deciding who to pick for the job, another stranger came to the monastery and wanted to apply for the job. The friars, though, again, they didn’t know him, let him have his chance.
The stranger stepped as far back from the bell as he could. Then he ran at the bell and smashed into it with his face.
The friars were quite taken aback that there would be another one with this talent and didn’t know what to think. But, they noticed the beautiful bell had, again, never sounded so good.
The friars explained to the stranger that the man before him had done the job the exact same way.
The stranger replied, “Ah, yes…that was my brother…he taught me everything I know!”
The stranger appeared uninjured. So everyone agreed, he should have the job, if nothing else than as a memorial to his brother.
That Sunday, the new stranger gets to work. Time and again he runs and smashed his face into the bell. People, from all around, started coming to service. In the tower the stranger continued his work. The bell started swinging more and more. On his last run to the bell, the stranger, again being understandably dizzy, missed the bell, ran through an open window. Plummeted to ground, far below and died.
People were horrified especially after the last horrible accident. They gathered around the poor body of the stranger.
When the head friar finally reached the body someone said, “This is terrible. He too, did such a wonderful job. Do you know his name?”
The head friar replied, “I don’t know, but he was a dead ringer for his brother.”
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Make it into a tire and call it a good year.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He died.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Have you ever heard the joke about the broken pencil? Don’t worry, you don’t have to….. Its POINTless.
A surgeon was about to perform a hemorrhoidectomy. He summoned the nurse and gave her a list of the instruments he required for the operation. A few minutes later, she brought in a rubber glove, a large jar of Vaseline, a knife and a bottle of beer. The surgeon began the operation. First he picked up the rubber glove and put it on his hand, ensuring that all were smoothed out. The surgeon held out his hand and the nurse gave him the Vaseline which he proceeded to smooth over the glove. Then he held out his free hand and the nurse handed him the beer. “Dammitt, nurse!” he said in exasperation. “I wanted a butt-light!”
So, a man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders his drink. Suddenly the monkey jumPs off his shoulder and starts eating everything in sight. He eats olives, grapes and all sorts of stuff. He finds his way to tue pool table where there is the 8 ball sitting there, and in one gulp eats the 8 ball. The bartender is so mad he yells at the guy to get his monkey and leave. The next week the same guy walks in with his monkey, sits down orders his drink and starts to drink. Suddenly the monkey gets up and grabs a nearby cherry sitting in a drink. The monkey promptly puts it up his butt and pulls it out. The bartender asked the man why the monkey did this and the man said “since last week when he ate your 8 ball, he makes sure everything fits befor he eats it “
There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t count.
Mr Whippy (who sells ice cream from a van) was found dead in his van. He was covered in fudge sauce, chocolate sprinkles, nuts, and chocolate.
The police investigated and concluded that he topped hmself.
A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.
On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
“Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, ” WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
A man and his son were enjoying a drive out in the country when all of a sudden, he wanted a cigarette. He tells his son to open up the glove compartment and get him one. The boy opens it up, and an empty condom box falls out.
The boy looks up and asks “Daddy, what are these?”
“They’re, uhhh, condoms, son.” Dad stammered.
“What are they for, Daddy?”
“Well, uhhh, you put them on cigarettes to, uhhh, make them taste better…”
The boy shook his head, satisfied with his dad’s answer. Seeing that he was out of condoms, the man pulled into a convenience store, giving his son the money to buy another box.
The little boy approaches the store clerk and asks “I’d like a box of condoms for my daddy.”
“What size does he need?” the clerk asks.
“Oh, anything that will fit a Camel.”
I have an italian last name, but i don’t look anything like an italian. So when people ask me about it i tell them dad married an irish woman And the sadest thing about that is i don’t get italian cooking, i get irish cooking. You know what irish cooking is, don’t you? You take all the best tasting foods you can find throw it into a pot, boil to the flavor is gone and serve with salt. Lots and lots of salt…………
A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house; ‘Talking Dog For Sale .’ He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.’
‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog..
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff!’
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you” Her husband asks, “Is that you, or the wine talking?” She replies, “It’s me…talking to the wine.”
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied, “No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints”
A big corporation hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcome briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees.”
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”
A hand raised hesitantly.
“You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo!, you had to go and eat someone they would really miss!”
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
‘Michael said, ‘Just a minute, I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying, ‘That would be rude and impolite.”What about you Sherman,
how would you say it?’
Sherman said, ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.’
‘And you, little Eddie, can you tell us how you would handle this?’
‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.
‘The teacher fainted.
I thought this appropriate given the time of year.
Q: Why don’t ghosts have babies?
A: Because they have halloweenies.
A farmer has a collection of female pigs. He wants them to reproduce, so herds them into his truck and lets them spend the day with the male pigs at the neighbor’s farm in hopes that they will – you know.
Well, a week later he goes to check up on the pigs and as far as he can tell, none is pregnant. So he loads them back up on the truck and sends them back to the neighbor’s farm for some more action.
A week later he is inside the house wondering if any of his pigs are pregnant, so he goes out to their pen but they are missing. He runs back into the house to ask his wife about their whereabouts. She replies, “They’re all in the truck, and one’s honking the horn”.
A Jewish woman takes her grandson to the beach. The boy runs into the water, and a riptide grabs him. He starts to drown. A lifeguard rescues him and performs CPR. The boy revives. When the lifeguard hands the boy over to the grandmother, the woman looks at the lifeguard and says, “He had a hat!”.
A man is sentenced to life in prison. Naturally, he is sent to a prison for long term inmates. During the first couple of months, he notices something strange. During the dinner hour, when all the inmates are eating together, one would stand up and shout out a number. “15!” Then all the other inmates would laugh. Every night this strange ritual happened, but with different numbers. After a few months, he got up the nerve to ask one of the friendlier inmates what was going on.
“Oh, that” the older inmated said. “Look, you’re going to be here a long time. We all have been here a LOOOOONG time. So long, that we’ve heard everybody’s jokes before. So, to make things easier, we went through and assigned every joke a number. So now, when someone wants to tell a joke at supper hour, he just has to yell out the number of the joke. Everyone remembers the joke for that number, and laugh.”
“Hey, I don’t have time to give you all the jokes right now, but, to show that you are in the know, why don’t you stand up tonight, and yell out ’31′. It’s a great joke, a really knee slapper.”
“Ok, cool! I will”, says the new guy.
That night at dinner, the new guy gets up and yells out “31!”. Dead silence fills the room, and everybody just stares at the new guy. The old timer who tried to help him out just shook his said and said to himself. “Man, some people just don’t know how to tell a joke.”
Except in the corner, was one inmate laughing uproarously.
“Hey, what’s up? Why you laughing” the other inmates asked him. “We’ve never heard a joke told so badly before.”
“I know I know,” he managed to get out between wheezes, “but I haven’t heard that one before!!!”
(Joke #45)
Adam Parker
A dog walking down the street saw a Help Wanted sign which he grabbed and then entered the store. He found the owner and pointed to the sign. The owner decides to give the dog a chance and told the dog he must know how to type. The dog sat down at the computer and typed 250 words per minute. The owner is impressed but not quite convinced, and told the dog he needs to know something about computers. The dog completely strips down the computer, rebuilt it and made it faster, and incorporated a full-blown multimedia center with wireless technology. At this point the owner is very intrigued but still not convinced. He then informed the dog that he must be bilingual. The dog looked up and said, “Meow!”
So I’m sitting in a pub next to a coarse Englishman with a penchant for rough language. I’m trying to watch the Arsenal match, but he interrupts me with a question. He wanted to know if I was an American. I said “yes, I am.” He immediately asks me, “so you’re studying abroad are you?” I say “no, I’m a student at LSE, actually.” I decide to deflect his unwanted attention by asking him, “Have you ever studied abroad?” He pauses for a second, laughs, and then finally replies, “I’ve studied hundreds of them!”
A woman knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The Priest turned, took a good look at the woman and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin. It’s simply a mistake.”
How many phsyciatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one……. but the lightbulb has to want to change.
What is yellow and buzzes?
An electric banana
Betty and Sue are in their 80′s and grew up together their whole lives. Having both lost their husbands and never having kids, they chose to stay at the same Nursing Home together. They’ve been smokers since their teen years and haven’t let old age, ailments, or the Nursing Homes recent ban on smoking indoors deter them from their favorite past-time. While enjoying a smoke together in the courtyard one afternoon, it began to rain. These tough old birds weren’t letting a little rain ruin their smokes, so they stayed. When the rain didn’t pass, Betty pulled out a condom, un-rolled it, and bit off the tip! She then slid it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sue was amazed, “What have you got there!?” “I found these at the drugstore, they’re called condoms,” says Betty. “I use them to keep my cigarettes dry in the rain.” The next day Sue heads to the corner drug store where Betty told her she could find them. She searches every isle, but cannot locate the condoms. She scoots her walker (tennis balls and all!) to the counter, and says to the young man, “My friend tells me you carry condoms, where can I find them?” He smirks and replies, “Well, we keep them here behind the counter.” “Well I’d like to buy a box.” She says. Fighting the urge to snicker he asks, “Do you know what size or brand-name you want?” “Well I’m not exactly sure,” sue says, “but they have to be big enough to fit a Camel!”
So there once was this bee that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary bee though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit bee community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do.
So the bee enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart bee. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the bee gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the bee faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government.
So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the bee decides he might as well go for it. Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history.
His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the bee’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done.
Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the bee looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother.
So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered.
Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it.
He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
Two priests and a rabbi are discussing how they decide what to do with money that people contribute to the church.
One priest says: What I do is I draw a line on the ground, and then I throw all the money up in the air. Whatever money lands on my side of the line, I keep, and the rest is for God.
The other priest says: Same here, but I draw a circle on the ground, and whatever money lands in the circle goes to me, and the rest is for God.
The rabbi says: I just throw it all up in the air, and whatever God wants, he can keep.
Did you hear about the 2 TV antennas who fell in love and got married?
The ceremony was awful but the reception was excellent.